Sent this days ago to no response. Then you call me at 4:44am?! Ok. Cool.

band of horses

I love you, but it hurts to love you.

</3

and it’s snowing like crazy.

and I have to figure out how to pull it together to get to work in 2 hours.

for 2 clients.

fuckkkkk meeeeeeeeee

I have zero strength to even hold a mascara wand to my eye.

Cobwebs.

I don’t have a boyfriend.

I have a fucking fantasy of what a boyfriend should be and I pretend you are it.

Fuck you.

and put on some makeup…

and a cute outfit.

that is not pink/black/or leopard.

and do some thangs…. <3

Why is Canada so far away?

my financial aid was approved and so I start school on March 5!!! 2 classes only but its an 8 week session. I’m sooooo excited. And then hopefully I can be finished by the end of the year!!!!

I hope I still remember how school works!

and I’ve lost 20 pounds since January 1st. I’m so happy and relieved that I am not having a hard time sticking to this. My appetite has finally shrunk in the past 2 weeks or so and now it isn’t difficult at all! I am just so excited for more time to pass so that the scale will be even LESS!

Not used to feeling this positive, but I’m not going to complain. I just hope that it stays this way!

I think finally being back in school is going to help my confidence, a lot.

Sunday was a rough day. Was really going through some emotions left over from my ex, but I feel completely different now. I don’t feel like I’m dragging those feelings around anymore. I finally feel open and free, a little less guarded.

Crazy how just making one positive change can lead to so many others. I’m even washing my face before I go to bed!

haha :)

my dog has been puking, which is weird… maybe I stressed her out with all of the crying.

I

better

not

get

puked

on

in my sleep!

xo

Not that I still care about you, but I still LOVE you. And I cried for like an hour. Sobbed. And when I was done I didn’t even feel better.

I would do anything just to talk to you for five minutes.

How can this be? I haven’t even talked to you I’m two years.

I think you’re happy. I hope you’re happy. I would never want to ruin that.

Life has been so good. I’ve been doing SO GOOD. and then BAM, this hit me like a ton of fucking bricks.

I just love you.

So like, I really want to date someone, but every time I start talking to someone, I’m almost immediately thinking “wtf is wrong with this person?” like, they either text me too much or not enough. And everyone I “date” always asks me to come over and not out, so I’m like RED FLAG and never come over. I mean, that’s awkward, right? But they don’t get the point that when I say I’m not gonna come over every time you ask and they still ask the next day and then I get the idea that they’re pushy and dumb so then I’m over that and back to fantasizing about my ex. And now I’m freaking obsessing over him and listening to the most emo songs I can find and reblogging the most depressing things I can find because, let’s be honest no one will ever be good enough because they aren’t him. I will forever compare anyone to him and how he made me feel. It will never feel the same so
I’ll tell myself it’s not real and a waste of time or I’ll go along with it but still lay there and wish it was him so really wtf is the point of any of it? And now that I’m typing this out I’m realizing how hopeless this really is. Everything I’ve read about getting over someone has been done. We have no contact and he’s not on any social media of mine and that’s been going on for years except for a few very short slips but still I feel the exact same. I don’t know why this is my life seriously. I’ve changed so much in the past 2 years but this is exactly the same. I’m really sad.

No end in sight.

I’ve given up every chance at happiness I’ve had to chase this feeling. I want him more than anything and he doesn’t even care. He doesn’t even remember the details I have played over and over in my mind for as long as I can remember. I’ve been living without him for years and he’s still all that I think about. I’m
afraid that no amount of time, distance or silence will numb this feeling. I torture myself with song after song that reminds me of him or us, thinking if I make myself feel the pain it may possibly help. How do I move on? This has to stop.

Pathetic.

Working at 9am is stupid.
Whoever needs a spray tan at 9am is stupid.

I am sad I’m not at Dave tonight though.
And I won’t be there tomorrow either.

:(